I am writing to you today as I take off for a glorious trip to Israel and Jordan. United Airlines has great service to Tel Aviv. I am a Bible buff and even though I have been to Israel and Jordan twice before it always is one of my top destinations. Petra, Jordan is also on my itinerary and I always stand amazed at what people engineered over 2000 years ago. Every time I visit Israel I feel like a new man when I return home. Everyone should have Israel on their bucket list.
In-flight airline humor…
Airline flight attendants and pilots sometimes make an effort to spice up the in-flight safety lecture and announcements to make them a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported to me by my friend Robert Polk years ago from several Southwest flight attendants.
Chuckle #1 – On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here. Find a seat and get in it!”
Chuckle #2 – “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
Chuckle #3 – ”Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.”
Chuckle #4 – “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
Chuckle #5 – ”As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
Chuckle #6 – An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
More Humor in the air –
At Qantas Airlines, after every flight, the pilots fill out a form called a “gripe sheet.” They do this so the pilots can tell the mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics then correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor!!! Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (“P”) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (“S”).
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold-mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce the problem on the ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. (HAH!!)
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.